Roughly three months after having my daughter people started offering to watch my baby overnight. They’d say to me: “You should get out for a night, the baby will be fine” or “You need a night to yourself” or “She’s got to learn to be independent of you”. I don’t know if it was a little postpartum anxiety, mother’s intuition, or a combination

For one, she was basically attached to my boobs at all times. I didn’t want to put anyone through the slight torture of waking up every two and a half hours to feed her, and I didn’t want to put my daughter through the torture of waking up every two and a half hours to not be comforted by a boob in her face. My mindset at that point was-- “I don’t care if I never sleep a night away again”. I was ready to mentally commit to the fact that I’d co-sleep with my daughter until she was three.

At about eight months postpartum, my partner and I separated, and I moved out of our home with our daughter. Of course at that point, I was feeling angry and anxious, but I figured she’d be sleeping with me forever as we adjusted to our new living situation, and without help. But that plan quickly turned into a whole new level of exhaustion. No help, no breaks, and my sanity level was quickly dwindling. After she turned one I began to“sleep train” her so that she could give me a break at night. And because I knew the inevitable would soon happen, there would be a night in the near future that she would be sleeping at her dad’s house, away from me and away from her beloved boobs. 

Last night was the first night that she slept at her dad’s. Through all of this, he and I have maintained a good relationship, and I know they love each other very much, even still, there was a mix of emotions saying goodbye to her for the evening. She’s now 13 months old, but it honestly felt like I was giving up my newborn infant. I was equally sad and excited to have the night to myself. Eventually, I’m sure I’ll take full advantage of the alone time, but last night I went for a run on the beach, and cleaned our cottage, two things that are pretty hard to do with a 13 month old running all around. And, the report back from her dad was that she made it entirely through the night without a peep, which was such a relief. 

The first night away from baby, no matter the circumstance-- whether it’s because of a separation, or because of a work trip, or because it’s time for a night to yourself-- is a big milestone at any age! I woke up this morning because my breasts were leaking all over the place, but feeling really proud of myself, and extremely excited to pick up my baby girl.